Slow Motion

Watching someone's health deteriorate naturally is well, natural. Watching someone gradually decline over time due to resignation is frustrating as hell. Watching this happen to your husband is beyond words. I listen to him struggle for oxygen every night in between snores and pauses. I look at his exhausted frame every day. He has sleep apnea, high cholesterol, and is creeping up in weight every day. Some nights I hear him cough and choke with acid reflux. As a nurse, I know he is at high risk for heart attack, stroke, sudden death, and esophogeal cancer. On top of all of this, he has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He is a very intelligent man, but a tortured soul. He worries a lot about a lot of things. His mind never shuts off. He is often agitated, irritable, and just plain grumpy. In almost 11 years of marriage, I never knew until a few months ago how loud he could yell.

Before I go any farther, I need to clarify despite his mental and physical state, he has always put his family first, is always thinking of ways to make us happy, and has one of the biggest hearts I know. He has an amazing sense of humor and a sharp wit. He's the hardest person to get a gift for, but always gives the most thoughtful ones. He is a talented debator and could sell anything to anyone. I love our conversations the most. Early on in our marriage, he said being able to talk to each other will outlast just about any other aspect of our lives together. It is one of the main reasons he knew I was 'the one'. I have always disliked the saying, "You complete me." People should be complete as individuals first. My husband and I prefer the saying, "You compliment me."

So, with the added insight as to the kind of man my husband is, the futility of the situation is indescribable. He takes Zoloft for the anxiety. I have gingerly discussed the possibility of perhaps a temporary dose increase to get beyond the anxiety surrounding the use of his CPAP. The idea of having the mask on his face is too much for him. A device that is designed to help him breathe terrifies him. He knows his apprehension is unrealistic and baseless, but this scenario defines and sums up the beast that is anxiety. Did I mention his alcohol intake has increased as well? Another sign the Zoloft is not at a therapeutic dose.

I have also been not-so-gingerly in my delivery regarding his health. His father died in 2009 from complications of a massive heart attack 12 years prior. This heart attack led to Congestive Heart Failure, exacerbated his Diabetes, and stripped him of his independence. The last 2 years of his life were the hardest on my mother-in-law. Fortunately, she was able to telecommute and stay home with him. In my most recent conversation with my husband, I made it clear I would not be able to do the same for him. I would have to work to support the family and most likely take on a part-time job to augment the full-time one I already have. I told him his mother has cared for his father AND his grandfather until their deaths 2 years apart. I told him it would be unfair to his mother for her to have to take care of her young son as well. My husband has the mindset that he is going to have "the big one" and be gone at age 40. That's only 3 years away. I reminded him even if he does have "the big one", there is no guarantee it will kill him. In his mind, he honestly thinks he will be gone by 40.

Is he pushing me in my career to get that Masters Degree and start earning ARNP pay versus going the MD route so he can take comfort in the fact that I will be able to support myself and the children? Does he want to see a return in my educational investments sooner rather than later? He denies the first question, but admits the second. For someone so intelligent and stubborn as my husband, I cannot for the life of me understand the focused and seemingly intentional direction he is heading. I feel like I am having one of those dreams where I try to scream but nothing comes out.