I don't have time to get sick!

Nurses do not make good patients, at least this one doesn't. I don't have time to get sick! Of course I realize even nurses get sick. I'm surprised we don't get sick more often than we do. I love my job. It's emotionally exhausting, rewarding, and challenging. As a mental health nurse, I see patients all the time who are battling their illness every day. So, why is it when the nurse comes face to face with some of the same demons herself, she goes into total and complete denial? A few days ago, I was humbled by what I thought I was immune to; stress, exhaustion, and life in general.

I've been told I have 3 full-time jobs: Family, Work, and School. While this is true, people do this every day right? People burn the candle at both ends and are constantly holding said candle with just their thumb and index finger in a feeble attempt to avoid getting burned. Well, it seems I ran out of wax on Saturday August 11th, 2012 and ended up in the emergency room. How did this happen? How is it I did not follow my own advice? Why was I not getting enough sleep? Why did I not get more 'me' time? Why did I not ask for help when I needed it? Why? Because I'm stubborn. Because I'm hurting. Because I'm human.

Considering my previous post's content, I should understand why the added factors were just too much to take. The straw that broke the camel's back was the news that my husband may not have a job which he left a previous one for. Something came up from almost 20 years ago during his background check. He took a banner from a concert he was attending and got arrested for it. Worse things have happened right? It wasn't the arrest that put his new job in jeopardy, it was the omission of said arrest that spoke questionably about his character. I got this news on Friday night. He was given the chance to write a letter explaining the situation, but no guarantee if he was even being considered for the job anymore. He wrote an amazing letter. Then, the waiting began. So many questions came up, one being "What are we going to do about the mortgage application?" Oh yeah, we are also going through the process of applying for a mortgage.

So, I went in to work the next day with no sleep (less than usual) and a heavy mind and heart. Typically, I leave everything at the door both on my way in and on my way out. Home stays outside and waits in the car for me. Work stays at my desk and eagerly awaits my return. At least I thought this is how I was managing everything. Boy was I wrong. Already more exhausted than usual, I got through a large chunk of my work day. Once the last patient left and things began to slow down, I started feeling pretty bad. I told myself the same thing I always tell myself, "Self, just push through it." That worked for about 5 minutes. I began to feel dizzy and weak. It didn't take much for me to realize this was not going to go away. I sat down for a minute to avoid fainting. I started to feel worse. Dizziness, nausea, and weakness took control. My blood pressure was 154/103. Not good. I thought if I just rest for a few minutes, I will still be able to drive home. I kept telling myself, "Self, you'll be ok in a minute. You'll be ok." Nope. Wrong. I had to call my husband to come and get me. My only other option was an ambulance ride. Call EMS for a nurse in trouble? No way. Not me. Before we even got out of the parking lot, I told my husband to take me to the emergency room.

What I thought was extremely low hemoglobin (oh yeah, I'm also anemic) turned out to be exhaustion laced with a healthy dose of anxiety. See what happens when the illusion of having control of a situation goes completely out the window? Upon arrival at the ER, as I'm signing in, everything gets fuzzy. I don't remember too much after that until I'm in a bed with an IV, on a heart monitor, and doing my best to answer questions. Labs are being drawn, chest x-ray done, 12-lead EKG done, Zofran IV push (thank you for that), and more questions. While waiting for the first round of labs to come back, the chest pressure starts. I push the call button for my nurse, who has the same name as me. Ironic? Hmm. Knowing that chest pressure is not even an adverse or rare side effect of Zofran, I just double check with my nurse. Nope, chest pressure definitely not a side effect of Zofran. Dang it. Then there's no other reason other than shear anxiety. Great. The psych nurse is having a panic attack. I am offered 'something for anxiety'. I decline because I'm stubborn and stupid like that. In the mean time, my monitor is making quite a fuss what with alarms and notifications and all while I'm trying to wrap my head around the anxiety. I'm offered nitro and baby aspirin to try to get my blood pressure under control. I take my doctor up on this. It worked, but I hope to never need nitro again.

After 5 hours in the ER, everything came back normal. The most shocking result was my hemoglobin. It was 11! Still below normal but high for me. This meant only one thing. I had to slow down. Can't blame this on my iron. There is no question as to what was really the problem. The nurse has been humbled by her own issues. Now what? This means I won't graduate with my BSN in October as planned. I will have to spread out my classes and graduate in December instead. I'm ok with that. My husband found out last night that he will be able to take the job after all. Wonderful! Everything else will just have to wait a little longer, like the laundry, the floors, the dust on the TV. Now if this control freak nurse can just get her husband to wear his CPAP....