"This one time...in surgery..."

Surgery is tomorrow. Total hysterectomy. Mostly excited, but completely neurotic! Having never been under general anesthesia is really messing with my head. My doctor is excellent, family is around, and kiddos are covered. The only thing left to do now is try to stay busy. The hardest part is the constant twinges of panic. I haven't had another full-blown episode since the ER, and I'm hoping not to, but with tomorrow looming over me like that really big space ship over the White House on Independence Day just doesn't help the situation.

What does help the situation are conversations like the one I had with my cousin. He and I are of like minds in that we have a twisted, cynical, and dark sense of humor. I guess it's understandable since he was born on Halloween and I was born on the 13th (like that really has anything to do with anything). I posted a comment on FB regarding the complete disregard of some people when they feel the urge to share surgical horror stories with you when they hear you're going under the knife. "Oh, make sure they don't leave anything inside you! My Aunt Gertrude walked around with a pair of scissors in her stomach for months!" Yeah, I'll keep that in mind as I'm doing my best to avoid the drafts that my inadequate hospital gown is providing. "Oh, you should write notes to the doctor on your body so they don't make mistakes." Now that idea does sound interesting. But of course it would have my twist on things. I've thought about starting a tic-tac-toe game with a sharpie and see who won when I wake up. As I was saying, what does help are conversations like this:

Cousin: "Surgery? Nothing serious I hope. I didn't want to ask in the open forum and if you don't want to tell me that's fine. But it's natural for me to be worried about my cousin, and the closest thing to a sister I had growing up."

Me: "Nothing serious. Hysterectomy. Tired of being anemic. And thank you for your message. It touched my heart! I'm mostly looking forward to the outcome. No pun intended. Just terrified about the unknown, and what I do know."

Cousin: "You know... millions of people go through surgery every year... Statistically speaking, you are 100% sure to have an incision somewhere on your body.
That's all you can count on from a 100% perspective. The rest of it... the odds are statistically in your favor a great deal. Knowing you, you trust the doctor..."

Me: "Doesn't help I was taken to the ER just over a week ago with exhaustion and fainting at work and at ER. Had a nice little panic attack on top of it. Needless to say, I'm a bit more ramped up than I guess I normally would be. I trust the doctor very much."

Cousin: "Just let everyone know that this is your time to recuperate. So everyone has to take care of everything... buy a bell, tell kiddos and husband that when you ring the bell you expect a response within 30 seconds."

Me: "Hahaha! Burining the candle at both ends is what got me into the mess last week. Not going to happen this time even if it means staying at my mother-in-law's!"

Cousin: "I say milk it for all it's worth. That's what we men folk do when we get sick (in case you never noticed). You aren't getting sick, you are going to have inside parts removed through an incision. That's gotta count for at least two weeks of total servitude."

Me: "Sounds like a plan!"

Cousin: "Excellent... I gotta get back to work. I won't say I will be praying for you, because we both know that would be disingenuous on my part. So how about I will be having positive feelings for you, and I am sure everything will be fine."

Me: "Thank you. I appreciate both your candor and your thoughts. Love you."

Cousin: "Love you too."

And that's how it's supposed to go folks! I have enough of my own twisted sarcasm to get me through this life. Keep your "This one time, in surgery..." stories to yourself the next time someone you know is going under the spotlight. Better yet, start a blog.