Annonymous Venting

Yesterday was tough. Going in to work on Monday and Tuesday were a challenge. As the week continued, it got easier. But yesterday was tough and took a lot just to get through the day. Saturdays are different than weekdays because I work with the receptionist and the child psychiatrist. No one else is in the building. Monday through Friday, the building is full of staff and patients (i.e. plenty of distraction). So, I had sort of a double dose trigger effect within one week. Not fun. Avoidance and numbing myself is what got me into this mess, so it just makes sense to face it...twice.

An acute stress reaction apparently comes with a little fallout. Wherever you are when things become too much and your body reacts with a panic attack, that location along with everything associated with it becomes a trigger. You get that thought in your mind of, "This is where it all happened." Your logical mind knows it's ok, but your emotional mind fights every step. This all makes sense to me because yesterday provided the same environment, hence the difficulty I had. I am comforted by the fact that I've been down this road before. I went through the same process 13 years ago during an ugly divorce, only then it didn't have a name and I didn't understand. 13 years ago, the Acute Stress Disorder progressed into PTSD. The difference this time is the 'knowledge variable'. Now, I'm both empowered and crippled by this knowledge. I am empowered because I know the prognosis is good. I am crippled because I know what I need to do to get there. I am familiar with the emotional terrain ahead of me (which explains the good cry I had about an hour ago). I know if I continue to stay numb, it only prolongs healing. Aye, there's the rub.

For as long as I can remember, I've been thinking, asking why (my poor mother), assessing, and evaluating. When I became a nurse, my mom said I had found the perfect occupation because I would always get to ask why. In nursing, we are not simply taught to do a task. We are also charged with knowing the rationale behind the task (the 'why'). In addition to this logical aspect, I am also a positive and compassionate person. I am 50% Spock and 50% Pollyanna. This combination usually bodes well for me, but sometimes becomes my undoing. For example, I know I probably could use some therapy. I got great therapy last time. It was quite helpful and beneficial. The problem is, I know the pathophysiology. I know my triggers. I know what I need to do to fix it. At the risk of sounding totally narcissistic and condescending, I'm not sure what I would get out of any therapy this time. Then again, you never see the same movie twice.

Actually, it all makes sense to me as to why I am putting all my baggage out here in cyberspace. At first, I just had an urge to put my thoughts down. Then, as I thought about it (Spock moment), I realized that as I am typing, my thoughts and emotions are becoming words. In order for me to formulate sentences and paragraphs with these words, I am processing everything. As I see my thoughts and feelings unfold on the screen in front of me, they become separated from me in the same way you would take the trash out. Better out than in. So why put all this stuff in a public place for anyone to come across? Why not just have a journal on my laptop and stop there? Because to me, it's not really out if it stays hidden. In a way, I'm telling everyone, but no one in particular...annonymous venting if you will.